Driven away the Demons after Years!

Have you ever experienced the feeling when you kept trying and trying relentlessly for something and after a long time even after losing hope time and again..it finally happened?The sense of relief and a new kind of liberation and freedom seeping through your very own veins and making you feel alive again?
Well something akin to this happened with me yesterday. After years of feeling chained to this feeling and have finally able to let go of it and breathe in again. It feels like after years finally oxygen is seeping through the cells which were made numb in order to dodge pain. I know i sound dramatic but that's my intent since i felt this way exactly.
I woke up today morning sensing a new me..sensing that the chains that were tied around my heart and the way i had blocked it up and made it all numb...its finally free and alive again. I hope i don't have to relive that experience again..and ward of any impending negativity which comes my way. Amen!!!

Life is full of Possibilities!

Few days back i was going through a rough emotional phase where it seemed like i have lost hope and i have to live a life without hope which is almost like a zombie. Then something happened..very insignificant in the form of a conversation that suddenly i got re instilled with hope again.
On saturdays mostly, college seems empty since only post graduate classes are held that too in the evening. So mostly the lights remain dimmed almost giving a sense of an enhanced twilight on the college grounds. Me and my friends were standing and chitchatting that suddenly i asked them..if our college is haunted since its more than 300 years old. The thought came in my mind since the setting was perfect..dim lights bathing the ground and so much of light and shadow dances happening. And the conversation leaded to real life supernatural experiences. I told them about mine, which i probably never mentioned before since it was a very old memory locked up in the small crevices of my mind plus it was a childhood memory. Anyways won't get into the details of it because it diverges from my purpose of noting this down. We talked and talked and heard a lot of real encounters..then it leaded to the topic of soulmates. I asked them if they believed in it..this was while we were returning home in a cab. Both of them vehemently agreed that yes soulmates are true..and everything is pre-determined and pre-planned and they stressed on the point that..wherever we are supposed to be or with whoever we are supposed to be..the roads and the choices we make will lead us there.
So i questioned this friend of mine who is in a relationship with a guy since last 7 years and they are going to get married in about a year..whether she thinks that he is her soulmate? She hesitated and replied "i think so because there were times when we thought this won't work but life still keeps us together..this must indicate something." I was struck by the thought that why worry then about finding the right person because life will take care of it on its own.
This conversation helped me re ignite the dying flames of hope which burns inside all of us and helped me again to believe that everything happens for a reason and there always is a greater purpose behind everything. We must never lose hope or faith on Almighty no matter how tough it gets because after all we are his children and he intends only love and happiness for us. I always believed in the miracles of life and its possibilities and after a brief pause i will continue to believe in that.
On a funny note, mr soulmate or whoever is destined to be mine...i am waiting for you and i won't compromise because true peace is only with you and in my life it will always be irreplaceable.
I know i seem to be like a hopeless romantic but then if you don't believe..then it will never happen. Life is indeed about possibilities and the choice rests upon us 'whether to believe or not'?

Pain..My Drug!!

:):) i know my title might have made some music aficionados think about Nirvana and might already have Kurt Cobain crooning in their minds...but that's not my endeavour.

It's been so many years and still the pain remains..stealthily hiding behind the small crevices of my heart. All these years  i thought it will go away with time. Yes, i would be lying if i'd say that the intensity hasn't lessened..but my attempt in vanquishing it completely has been futile.

Last night was listening to the song The Lightning Strike by Snow Patrol and the things which i thought i had accepted long before kept creeping out in the forefront of my mind. We don't talk anymore but whenever i find something beautiful i have this almost lunatic urge to share it with him. So yesterday night, i was fighting with the thought of sending him this song because there's a certain poetry in this song and as he once said that "you have an artist within yourself". Any person who has love for the arts or has the passion to explore the vastness of creation would get excited to find something so beautiful as well as might be able to get inspired from it as well. I don't want to talk to him or want him in my life...but during the course of life if i find something beautiful which might awaken his artistic senses, i would surely like to share it with him.

Sometime's i feel i purposely hold onto this feeling and accept this pain with pleasure. Without the pain, there's this certain emptiness, a void..almost unnatural..almost unreal. The pain gives a reassurance that i am still alive and my heart still feels even if it is pain. It's almost like a drug to me. It keeps me alive enough to get through life.

Anyway's so i fought with this dilemma last night if i should share it with him or not. Had millions of troubling thoughts like what if he ignores, what if he doesn't even listen..what if he blocks me in the end. But then none of these thoughts could give me peace...this excitement of sharing something beautiful that i have found with him was the only thing which could give me peace and hence i sent it. But then now a certain sadness lingers thinking that i have yet again potrayed my weak self and not have been strong enough to resist it. Will it ever stop? Will i ever move on? Will anyone ever make me forget? To think of it...it doesn't matter because i have accepted this pain as a part of my life and hence i will live with my drug!!!

the lightning strike

i don't know why but i am deeply affected by the lyrics of this song and hence i am posting it..it's truly beautiful :)


What if this storm ends?
And i don't see you
As you are now
Ever again


The perfect halo
Of gold hair and lightning
Set's you off against
The planet's last dance


Just for a minute
The silver forked sky 
Lit you up like a star
That i will follow


Now it's found us
Like i have found you
I don't want to run
Just overwhelm me


What if the storm ends?
And leaves us nothing
Except a memory
A distant echo


I want pinned down
I want unsettled
Rattle cage after cage
Until my blood boils


I want to see you
As you are now
Every single day
That am living


Painted in flames
All peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me
That strikes relentless!!!

running away from love!!!

i never thought i would turn into a person who would literally with determination run away from love. I always felt being in love..feeling love, gives you peace because i have felt it too. i still am a born romantic at heart but running away from love keeps me safe, keeps my heart and soul safe from chaos and breakdowns. It's always so hard to recuperate from heartbreaks and pain..it never really goes away..just one's priorities change and the heartbreak takes a backseat to come back at lonely and idle moments to haunt you again and again.
Without love am safe and secure and free and in peace :)

current thought ripples

On this auspicious ocassion of Holi, even though am not much of a festival person..i am pondering over the fact that what actually makes me sad now. Heartbreaks, unrequited love not really!!! Just the fact that people we meet and slowly with time get familiar with and then suddenly due to various situations and circumstances we break apart because thats the right thing to do... that's what makes me sad. In the last 2 years met so many new people, made new friendships and some friendships  got ruined because of love walking in stealthily.
It's hard for me to give in to prospective relationships and hence friendships get ruined and people walk away or rather i drive them away! This is the fact i hate...if people are not meant to be in your life then why create such circumstances?? I know, everything has a purpose behind it... but this is what makes me sad at this point of life..leaving people behind and walking forward..