:):) i know my title might have made some music aficionados think about Nirvana and might already have Kurt Cobain crooning in their minds...but that's not my endeavour.
It's been so many years and still the pain remains..stealthily hiding behind the small crevices of my heart. All these years i thought it will go away with time. Yes, i would be lying if i'd say that the intensity hasn't lessened..but my attempt in vanquishing it completely has been futile.
Last night was listening to the song The Lightning Strike by Snow Patrol and the things which i thought i had accepted long before kept creeping out in the forefront of my mind. We don't talk anymore but whenever i find something beautiful i have this almost lunatic urge to share it with him. So yesterday night, i was fighting with the thought of sending him this song because there's a certain poetry in this song and as he once said that "you have an artist within yourself". Any person who has love for the arts or has the passion to explore the vastness of creation would get excited to find something so beautiful as well as might be able to get inspired from it as well. I don't want to talk to him or want him in my life...but during the course of life if i find something beautiful which might awaken his artistic senses, i would surely like to share it with him.
Sometime's i feel i purposely hold onto this feeling and accept this pain with pleasure. Without the pain, there's this certain emptiness, a void..almost unnatural..almost unreal. The pain gives a reassurance that i am still alive and my heart still feels even if it is pain. It's almost like a drug to me. It keeps me alive enough to get through life.
Anyway's so i fought with this dilemma last night if i should share it with him or not. Had millions of troubling thoughts like what if he ignores, what if he doesn't even listen..what if he blocks me in the end. But then none of these thoughts could give me peace...this excitement of sharing something beautiful that i have found with him was the only thing which could give me peace and hence i sent it. But then now a certain sadness lingers thinking that i have yet again potrayed my weak self and not have been strong enough to resist it. Will it ever stop? Will i ever move on? Will anyone ever make me forget? To think of it...it doesn't matter because i have accepted this pain as a part of my life and hence i will live with my drug!!!
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