Awakened In August

On 28th of August i felt awakened and alive...shaken from the cold chains of numbness and the event which transpired to this was a music concert. One of my most favorite bands Poets of the Fall obliged our country and i had the happy chance of witnessing them live. I have always loved their music.
In the past few years i tried to numb myself to many things..trying to not feel as much as i normally do and that somewhere was in the process of becoming a way of life.
But on that very day..i realized i haven't felt this alive in ages. The music awakened my senses and it was such a rush that it still lingers on..
I realized how much i have tried to ignore the things which truly brings me happiness and how wonderful it is to feel every nerve of the body vibrate and awaken.
Somewhere i believe it was a soul call for me to relax and enjoy whatever life has to offer and be truly alive at every moment.

Just Like An Old Movie On Repeat

Ever wondered how sometimes in life we face the exact same situations only with different characters...the crux remaining the same but with superficial changes? That's exactly what's been happening with me. We are supposed to learn from the past and make the right moves in future so that we do not end up committing the same mistakes of the past. Well as far as i have seen...sometimes no matter what you do..whichever way you choose..whatever maybe the approach..no matter how differently you deal with the same situations..most of the times you end up with the same results. It almost seems like an old movie being played on and on with the characters and the dialogues changing but the message remaining the same.

How do we break this chain? Is it humanly possible? Or is this a sign of the universe that no matter how big you think you are...your fate is still not fully in your control.. the universe can play a twisted joke and change the whole perspective of your life!

Troubled Soils of the Emotional Land!

Every person that we meet in our everyday life come with the power to cause trouble in our emotional land. You wish well for everyone you meet..still some people don't turn out to be good for you. They unknowingly create little ridges in the land of your heart..creating an impact which leaves you feeling like they were invaders.. stealing the ever elusive peace and prolonging the healing process. Just when you think you can stand up..face it all again..take chances again.. you are made to fall back on ground zero and you wonder "how am i here again? When and how did i fall back again? When did i trust again? I wasn't trusting anyone..i was shielded?" 
You question your beliefs..your sense of judgement..your learning over the years..how and why we end up in the same situation again and again when we ought to have learnt from our mistakes. But isn't taking chances another way of exposing oneself to probable mistakes again? 
How do we guard ourselves? No matter how cautious we are...how do we survive this? Life is after all a long journey..the question is how to get through  unscathed?

No Words

For the first time in my life i am really in the most weirdest zones where my mind is just silent. It refuses to talk or think or dream. Just want to stay quite.. never happened with this intensity and don't really know how long will this last.

For the first time find myself with no words at all.

The Void

Is it possible to feel such a strong void in life without having faced catastrophic adversities? Is it even humanly possible to feel this intense void in your heart when you are a perfectly normal person? No matter how many people you meet..how many jokes you share..how busy you are... still it comes back and haunts you? I seriously don't understand how is it possible...am i really that twisted? Why is it that nothing satisfies my soul even though i meet generous giving people who are willing to share their lives with me?
Something is definitely wrong with me and i really need to figure it out soon...how is it possible that whatever you do..nothing ever fills up this emptiness!!!!

Joys of Solitude!!!

It's amazing to notice that when one becomes comfortable with one's own company too much socializing also amounts to certain disruption of peace of mind. Nowadays i find myself craving for some solitude and some peace. It's incredible to think that when one discovers the joys of solitude, too much interaction with people also becomes disturbing at times. There is so much of information out there..but i think it is necessary to understand which information is necessary and required and which one can be trashed as garbage. Sadly, nowadays most of the interaction we have with other people is garbage..things which we can live without knowing. Too much social networking and instant messaging has made it easy for communication but it has also made it easier for us to subject ourselves to unnecessary information and news which we could have otherwise ignored. It's time to declutter and clean out the trash from my mind. Enjoying the precious moments of solitude while it lasts.

Choices

I think am paranoid about letting new people enter my life. I truly believe that we all have our own aura and energy. Hence when we allow a person to become part of our lives, somewhere that person's energy mingles with our energy. It may have a positive impact on us or a negative impact and if it's the latter then it does make us lose a grip on our lives. I think past experience has made me more and more cautious because it is immensely difficult to get rid of the vicious cycle of negativity. Some of us emerge victorious..while some lose themselves, lose their vision, lose their sense of purpose. 
One should guard one's life/heart because it affects everything else we do. But then it might make one reserve and anti social. It's all about which path we choose and which path would maintain our peace of mind.

The Untrained Heart

Why do we question our instincts? Or why do we think twice after acting instinctively? And why do we question our rationality? Just because instincts do not originate out of our mind or what we call as logical rational thinking?
We simply forget the fact that no matter what heart can never be trained unlike our mind. It's difficult to know how our heart will react under unforeseeable situations. It's always a mystery..whereas mind can be trained through learning, education and discipline. It's easy to train a mind regarding the probable responses or reactions to a certain situation like we nurture a sense of alertness and awareness  in relation to dangerous situations. In a way we can manipulate our very own mind.
But heart can never be manipulated or told from beforehand about how to react. It has it's own sense. Instincts are signs which are non-manipulated and not well thought of because they are from the heart. Their is immense purity in them, almost like signs of God. 
If we rely on our untrained, untamed heart we would never fail because the instincts originate out of good intentions and their very essence is pure.

Feel

Everyday i feel it growing inside my heart..filling me with happiness and a hope. I take shelter in the comfort of that hope every night and feel secured that i will be able to finally be yours. Sometime's i question my sanity but then how can you question the purity of the heart? If something is felt so strongly and the intention is so pure..then how can it not happen? How can i question it's existence when it has been the centre of my universe from the very first day i sensed it and felt it within my heart. When even in my immature and undeveloped mind i was so sure about it that i didn't even think before answering when i was questioned...do i even have the knowledge to question it with my so called educated mind?
What mind cannot grasp..the heart gets it instantly. I feel it and i feel you everyday in my heart and a river of happiness surges within me knowing that you are there...somewhere..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyH1DPO6too

Driven away the Demons after Years!

Have you ever experienced the feeling when you kept trying and trying relentlessly for something and after a long time even after losing hope time and again..it finally happened?The sense of relief and a new kind of liberation and freedom seeping through your very own veins and making you feel alive again?
Well something akin to this happened with me yesterday. After years of feeling chained to this feeling and have finally able to let go of it and breathe in again. It feels like after years finally oxygen is seeping through the cells which were made numb in order to dodge pain. I know i sound dramatic but that's my intent since i felt this way exactly.
I woke up today morning sensing a new me..sensing that the chains that were tied around my heart and the way i had blocked it up and made it all numb...its finally free and alive again. I hope i don't have to relive that experience again..and ward of any impending negativity which comes my way. Amen!!!

Life is full of Possibilities!

Few days back i was going through a rough emotional phase where it seemed like i have lost hope and i have to live a life without hope which is almost like a zombie. Then something happened..very insignificant in the form of a conversation that suddenly i got re instilled with hope again.
On saturdays mostly, college seems empty since only post graduate classes are held that too in the evening. So mostly the lights remain dimmed almost giving a sense of an enhanced twilight on the college grounds. Me and my friends were standing and chitchatting that suddenly i asked them..if our college is haunted since its more than 300 years old. The thought came in my mind since the setting was perfect..dim lights bathing the ground and so much of light and shadow dances happening. And the conversation leaded to real life supernatural experiences. I told them about mine, which i probably never mentioned before since it was a very old memory locked up in the small crevices of my mind plus it was a childhood memory. Anyways won't get into the details of it because it diverges from my purpose of noting this down. We talked and talked and heard a lot of real encounters..then it leaded to the topic of soulmates. I asked them if they believed in it..this was while we were returning home in a cab. Both of them vehemently agreed that yes soulmates are true..and everything is pre-determined and pre-planned and they stressed on the point that..wherever we are supposed to be or with whoever we are supposed to be..the roads and the choices we make will lead us there.
So i questioned this friend of mine who is in a relationship with a guy since last 7 years and they are going to get married in about a year..whether she thinks that he is her soulmate? She hesitated and replied "i think so because there were times when we thought this won't work but life still keeps us together..this must indicate something." I was struck by the thought that why worry then about finding the right person because life will take care of it on its own.
This conversation helped me re ignite the dying flames of hope which burns inside all of us and helped me again to believe that everything happens for a reason and there always is a greater purpose behind everything. We must never lose hope or faith on Almighty no matter how tough it gets because after all we are his children and he intends only love and happiness for us. I always believed in the miracles of life and its possibilities and after a brief pause i will continue to believe in that.
On a funny note, mr soulmate or whoever is destined to be mine...i am waiting for you and i won't compromise because true peace is only with you and in my life it will always be irreplaceable.
I know i seem to be like a hopeless romantic but then if you don't believe..then it will never happen. Life is indeed about possibilities and the choice rests upon us 'whether to believe or not'?

Pain..My Drug!!

:):) i know my title might have made some music aficionados think about Nirvana and might already have Kurt Cobain crooning in their minds...but that's not my endeavour.

It's been so many years and still the pain remains..stealthily hiding behind the small crevices of my heart. All these years  i thought it will go away with time. Yes, i would be lying if i'd say that the intensity hasn't lessened..but my attempt in vanquishing it completely has been futile.

Last night was listening to the song The Lightning Strike by Snow Patrol and the things which i thought i had accepted long before kept creeping out in the forefront of my mind. We don't talk anymore but whenever i find something beautiful i have this almost lunatic urge to share it with him. So yesterday night, i was fighting with the thought of sending him this song because there's a certain poetry in this song and as he once said that "you have an artist within yourself". Any person who has love for the arts or has the passion to explore the vastness of creation would get excited to find something so beautiful as well as might be able to get inspired from it as well. I don't want to talk to him or want him in my life...but during the course of life if i find something beautiful which might awaken his artistic senses, i would surely like to share it with him.

Sometime's i feel i purposely hold onto this feeling and accept this pain with pleasure. Without the pain, there's this certain emptiness, a void..almost unnatural..almost unreal. The pain gives a reassurance that i am still alive and my heart still feels even if it is pain. It's almost like a drug to me. It keeps me alive enough to get through life.

Anyway's so i fought with this dilemma last night if i should share it with him or not. Had millions of troubling thoughts like what if he ignores, what if he doesn't even listen..what if he blocks me in the end. But then none of these thoughts could give me peace...this excitement of sharing something beautiful that i have found with him was the only thing which could give me peace and hence i sent it. But then now a certain sadness lingers thinking that i have yet again potrayed my weak self and not have been strong enough to resist it. Will it ever stop? Will i ever move on? Will anyone ever make me forget? To think of it...it doesn't matter because i have accepted this pain as a part of my life and hence i will live with my drug!!!

the lightning strike

i don't know why but i am deeply affected by the lyrics of this song and hence i am posting it..it's truly beautiful :)


What if this storm ends?
And i don't see you
As you are now
Ever again


The perfect halo
Of gold hair and lightning
Set's you off against
The planet's last dance


Just for a minute
The silver forked sky 
Lit you up like a star
That i will follow


Now it's found us
Like i have found you
I don't want to run
Just overwhelm me


What if the storm ends?
And leaves us nothing
Except a memory
A distant echo


I want pinned down
I want unsettled
Rattle cage after cage
Until my blood boils


I want to see you
As you are now
Every single day
That am living


Painted in flames
All peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me
That strikes relentless!!!

running away from love!!!

i never thought i would turn into a person who would literally with determination run away from love. I always felt being in love..feeling love, gives you peace because i have felt it too. i still am a born romantic at heart but running away from love keeps me safe, keeps my heart and soul safe from chaos and breakdowns. It's always so hard to recuperate from heartbreaks and pain..it never really goes away..just one's priorities change and the heartbreak takes a backseat to come back at lonely and idle moments to haunt you again and again.
Without love am safe and secure and free and in peace :)

current thought ripples

On this auspicious ocassion of Holi, even though am not much of a festival person..i am pondering over the fact that what actually makes me sad now. Heartbreaks, unrequited love not really!!! Just the fact that people we meet and slowly with time get familiar with and then suddenly due to various situations and circumstances we break apart because thats the right thing to do... that's what makes me sad. In the last 2 years met so many new people, made new friendships and some friendships  got ruined because of love walking in stealthily.
It's hard for me to give in to prospective relationships and hence friendships get ruined and people walk away or rather i drive them away! This is the fact i hate...if people are not meant to be in your life then why create such circumstances?? I know, everything has a purpose behind it... but this is what makes me sad at this point of life..leaving people behind and walking forward..

Different Realities

Loneliness is something which i face everyday, every minute even being in the midst of a crowd. My friends say i got a charisma and people simply can't resist my company still why do i feel this loneliness all the time.

Living life in the moment..yes i do that..i try to do that always and i guess thats the best way to tackle loneliness..to not think about tomorrow or the future.

Things do seem meaningless at times..sometimes this cycle of life seems meaningless..what it is basically..a series of disappointments and failures we face..and inbetween some moments of happiness which acts like a drug to ease the pain and act as a tranquilizer. Once its effect ends..again the daunting reality of life hits back at us and we are caught up in the ratrace of life.

I might seem pessimistic to some of you..but i am not. Its just in my alone moments i get plagued by such thoughts.